


The Case of the Club Volleydong

by jercydee



Series: Haikyuu!! NaNoWriMo 2018 [14]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bickering, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Improvised Sex Toys, Interrogation, Mystery, NaNoWriMo, Sex Toys, Unresolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-02 23:52:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16797196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jercydee/pseuds/jercydee
Summary: NaNoWriMo Day 14: CrackficThe third years find a used dildo in the clubroom after practice one day.Not really a~truecrackfic, but definitely crack-y in any case. Rated because, well, it's a used sex toy lol.





	The Case of the Club Volleydong

**Author's Note:**

> Blame the Parn Chat for this monstrosity and encouraging this to happen. We are all horrible and I wouldn't have us any other way<3
> 
> Un-beta'd because I'm not sure if anyone _would want_ to beta this lmao.

They find it in the clubroom one afternoon, thrown into a corner no one really visits. Koushi giggles. He feels the blush at the tops of his ears, exposing his minor embarrassment, but otherwise he’s hilariously amused. Next to him is a stoic Daichi, who keeps quiet, looking too scarred now to ever return to this particular part of the room.

“ _AAAAAAAHHHHHH!_ ” Asahi continues to wail in the background. “ _MY EYES!_ ”

Fastened to a Mikasa volleyball (presumably one from _their gym_ ) is an obviously used dildo. Koushi’s surprised at how well attached it is—shouldn’t it have fallen off by now?

Koushi turns when he hears Daichi takes a deep breath through his nose, crossing his arms over his chest with closed eyes. He seems like he’s in incredible pain, and the dramatics has Koushi holding back another snort of laughter.

“Call Shimizu,” Daichi says in an even voice. “We need to get to the bottom of this.”

* * *

The set up is Koushi’s idea, unsurprisingly so because he’s always enjoyed a little bit of theatricality.

Shimizu drags a spare table and chair from another clubroom, placing it underneath the brightest light. With the other lights dimmed and the curtains pulled shut, the single light bulb shines like a spotlight on Asahi, who sits in the proverbial hotseat.

The ace fidgets incessantly, eyes shifting everywhere.

“Asahi,” Koushi says in a cold tone, arms crossed as he puffs out his chest, “do you know why we brought you in?”

“It wasn’t me!” he shouts immediately. “The ball—the dild— _whatever it is!_ It isn’t mine!”

Koushi slams his hands on the table. “If it wasn’t you then whose is it!” he demands.

“I-I don’t know!”

“Suga,” Daichi interjects, “we both know that this isn’t Asahi’s fault.”

“Thank you!”

“He’s too much of a goofball to use a dildo.”

“ _Hey!_ ”

Koushi sighs, sliding away from Asahi’s personal space. “Fine,” he says. “You’re free to go, Asahi.”

“Thank goodness,” Asahi mumbles, slipping away.

When he returns to stand next to Daichi, Koushi hears the captain say, “Why were you so nervous? We all know it wasn’t you!”

“I’m traumatized, Daichi! I can’t stay calm!”

“Goofball.”

Asahi makes a whining noise. Koushi rolls his eyes.

He has to move on to the next suspect.

* * *

Koushi purses his lips, unsure how to tackle the situation.

Shimizu sits primly in her seat, looking stunningly beautiful even under the harsh cast of the light bulb above her. Her black hair twinkles in the spotlight, hands folded on the desk in front of her.

She blinks, challenging Koushi’s gaze head on.

“Sugawara.”

“Shimizu.”

Koushi taps his foot, cocking his head to the side.

“I’m sure you’ve heard of the situation.”

“Yes,” she answers calmly. “Sawamura explained it to me, although I could hear Azumane screaming about it from the girl’s change room.”

Behind him, Daichi scolds, “Asahi!”

“I’m sorry!”

Koushi hears Daichi smacking Asahi, and he tries to hold back his snort. He has to look intimidating to Shimizu right now, not laugh at his dorky friends.

“It wasn’t me, Sugawara,” Shimizu speaks up, and Koushi returns his attention back to her. “I can assure you that I didn’t leave a toy in the clubroom.”

She speaks so smoothly it almost terrifies him, but he can see blush painting the top of her cheeks, which betrays her. He takes this as his in.

“If it wasn’t you, Shimizu,” he says, leaning on the table, palms lying flat on the surface, “then how can you be so calm about this? Trying to compensate for something?”

That pauses her, and Koushi smirks. He’s got her.

“Sugawara,” she eventually replies, “do you really want to accuse a _girl_ for leaving a used _dildo_ in the _boy’s_ clubroom?”

“That’s like harassment!” Asahi gasps.

Shimizu gives a single nod.

_Shit._

“You’re free to go, Shimizu,” he dismisses her, blushing red to his hair.

Shimizu nods again, getting out of the seat. “For the record, Suga, it really wasn’t me.”

She walks away to leave. Before she closes the club door behind her, she looks over her shoulder to say, “I hope you guys find out who did this.”

* * *

Daichi rolls his eyes when he finally sits down. It took a while for Koushi to convince him to take a seat the way Asahi and Shimizu did, but eventually the captain relents.

“Suga,” he says, voice growing with impatience, “why are we doing this? You _know_ it wasn’t me.”

“Can’t be too sure, Daichi.” He shrugs, nonchalant. “How do I really know?”

Daichi rolls his eyes again. “Because I was _with you_ the entire time today.”

Koushi purses his lips, looking down at the captain from where he stands. He crosses his arms.

“Not the _entire_ day,” he states. “After third period, you went off by yourself to the ‘washroom’”—he makes air quotes—“and I did not accompany you for that.”

“Yeah, because I just had to _pee,_ ” Daichi grumbles.

Koushi is undeterred, slamming his hands on the table once more. “Then, before club you had to run to ‘talk to Takeda’ about ‘scheduling’.”

“Because we have a practice match this week!”

“And then!” Koushi pauses, lifting a finger to emphasize his point. “Once practice ended, you snuck ahead to the clubroom before everyone else!”

“How is that a bad thing?!” Daichi asks incredulously, his volume increasing. “I went first because the first- and second-years were supposed to clean up today. Why is that suspicious?”

“I don’t know, Daichi,” Asahi says. Koushi turns to look at him. “I think Suga’s onto something.”

Daichi growls. “ _You_ stay out of this, beard-face.”

“So mean!”

“Deflecting, Daichi?” Koushi interrupts. “Trying to rile up Asahi so I don’t see you as the true culprit?”

“ _No._ ” Daichi closes his eyes, rubbing a palm down his face. “Suga, this is dumb. We all know it wasn’t me, or Asahi, or Shimizu.”

“But there’s no one else here,” he insists. “And it _definitely_ wasn’t there before practice.”

“There is one person we haven’t asked yet,” Asahi says softly.

Koushi turns to face him. “Who?”

“You, Suga.”

* * *

“How does it feel to be interrogated?” Daichi shoots him an evil grin, leaning over the table like Koushi did to him moments ago.

He shrugs, trying to exude innocence as much as possible. Koushi knows he’s not guilty.

“It’s fine,” he says coolly.

Daichi rolls his eyes. “No, I’m not doing this,” he says. “I know it wasn’t you either because, like I said, I was _with you_ all day.”

Asahi pulls the curtains open, and the clubroom immediately returns to normal with the light pouring through the window.

“Then who was it?” Asahi asks while Daichi flicks off the lightbulb.

Suga shrugs, folding away the extra table and chair. He can return them to the other clubroom tomorrow. When he sets everything aside, he makes a mental note to thank Shimizu for getting them.

“Does it matter?” Daichi wonders. He glares at the corner of the room where the dildo still lies. “We just need to get rid of it and pretend this never happened.”

Koushi laughs. “Oh, Daichi, that’s not happening.”

The captain sighs. “Yeah, I know.”

“Asahi will probably tell someone before we even leave.”

“Hey!”

Daichi shoots the ace a look. “Is he wrong?”

“No...” he mumbles. “But I’m not _that_ bad.”

“You kinda are.”

“Why are you both so mean?” He sighs. “Anyway, who’s gonna get rid of it? I don’t –”

“ _Not me!_ ” he and Daichi exclaim simultaneously.

“Someone has to!” Daichi says.

Koushi puts his hands up in defense. “Don’t look at me!”

“I don’t want to go near it,” Asahi says. He seems so shaken at the prospect of touching the dildo he looks like he wants to cry. “ _Please_ don’t make me go near it.”

“You’re the captain, Daichi,” Koushi says. “You should do it!”

“And you’re the vice-captain!”

He shakes his head vehemently. “But you’re here and still captain therefore it should be _your_ responsibility.”

They argue for much longer than they should until the door bursts open. They look to see Shimizu standing at the entrance, a pair of disposable gloves in one hand and a plastic bag in the other.

“For whoever is going to clean it up,” she explains, presenting the items to them.

Koushi looks at Daichi, who gazes back and forth between him and Asahi with a frown. Growling, he grabs the gloves and plastic bag from Shimizu before stomping over to the corner.

“Do it, Daichi!”

“Good luck, Daichi.”

They watch as the captain slips the gloves on with a snap, grumbling when he finally crouches down to quickly sweep the dildo and attached volleyball into the plastic bag.

“ _Move move move move move!_ ” he shouts, and Koushi and Asahi step aside for Daichi to sprint out the door.

Koushi lets out a peel of laughter before he runs out the clubroom to catch up with Daichi—there isn’t a _second_ of this he wants to miss. Asahi and Shimizu follow him too, and they make their way down the stairs to find Daichi at the back of the building. Daichi tosses the plastic bag and its contents into the dumpster, immediately throwing the gloves in as well. Then, he rushes to the outdoor sink nearby, where he scrubs his hands under high water pressure.

“Shut up, Suga!” he yells when Koushi continues to holler at him.

“ _C-can’t_ —I can’t help it!” he chortles. He clutches his belly when the laughter begins to ache. “You-you had to thr-throw away a _volley-dong!_ ”

Asahi cracks up at that, and when Shimizu has to hide her own snickering behind a hand, Daichi screams.

“ _SHUUUUT UUUUP!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> ( _Ryan Bergara voice_ ) Who left the volleydong? The answer will remain, _unsolved_ ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Also shout out to [Nic](https://twitter.com/drkarayua) for the [volleydong (NSFW!)](https://66.media.tumblr.com/d12a982f0ab1b3f3ebe584584eb3c972/tumblr_pjalbsyiKB1xkexjco1_1280.png) in question.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Kudos give me life and comments will be handed a cookie<3
> 
> [NaNoWriMo profile](https://nanowrimo.org/participants/jercydee)  
> [NaNo Tumblr](https://jercythesiscrying2018.tumblr.com) / [Rebloggable version of this fic](http://jercythesiscrying.tumblr.com/post/182899423422/the-case-of-the-club-volleydong-karasuno-third)  
> [Main Blog](http://striveattemptfail.tumblr.com)


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